you know how sometimes you anticipate something to happen thinking it might bring some dramatic change into your life… but when the time comes, you become hugely disappointed because the build up for that moment was so high in your imagination that it was out of reality’s reach?
i’ve been avoiding writing in my journal all day. i thought about it and it’s not the actual writing that i’m avoiding. it’s the thinking and remembering. i don’t want my mind to have to replay the events of last night…even if it is for my own well-being. i don’t want the same wave of emotions to rush back and drown me in tears again.
i was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me. i played pretend between the trees, and fed my house guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
Goodbye always starts with hello.
Goodbye means many things concerning many situations. The goodbye I’m speaking of is in regards to distance of the heart. It’s the one that says, “we tried, and it didn’t work,” or “you’re not what I need to be around right now.” It’s hard, because these are memories I’m leaving. People life is distancing me from. These are moments in my life that have defined my history. They’re seasons of building friendships that I feel like are now being wasted because I have to move on. I don’t want to say it, but I need to.
Goodbyes aren’t happy things.
I know I’m hurting along with whatever I’m parting with. Be it love, be it pride. But I am a firm believer in the optimism of life. Life is good. Life is pure, and when something overwhelms that otherwise organic flow of my life, it’s time to take a step back from it. It may only be for a few weeks. But I should back away from it long enough to recognize if it’s good for me or not.
It’s not all for nothing. I believe that people have come into my life for a time period, then have exited only to move on with their own ones. I don’t even know if I can feel it being done to me; it just begins happening. Some force pulling me towards some people and away from others. Life has a strange power of guiding me this way.
So, with that knowledge, goodbye should be more understandable? But in matters of the heart, nothing is ever easy. My heart is crimson red to prove it isn’t black and white.
So, why then do I fight it so hard?
I think it’s that feeling in my spirit whispering, “this may be the right thing,” but emotions are still clinging to it, desperate not to lose that comfortably we’ve built. Goodbye is a humble servant to life’s progression. It is always met with that stinging feeling in my chest, where I just feel as if someone’s ripping out a part of me. But goodbye is a friend in the end, because a phrase like, “It was the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” couldn’t have started without it. It will never get the credit it deserves, but it recognizes itself as necessary anyway.
Goodbyes hurt now but heal later.
Ultimately, if I truly care for this person or thing I’m so desperately clinging to, taking a break from it is good for both sides. It wouldn’t be right for them to love me, if I’m not in the right state of mind. If I’m not coming at them with my best intentions (and theirs), then the relationship isn’t based on something solid. It’s based on a thin sheet of glass that shatters at any stone being thrown at it.
Now, it may be hard to hear and accept, but ultimately if they have my best interest at heart—they will understand. I can always tell something isn’t right, when bitterness begins to surface afterwards. But when something is pure and meant for me, I’ve found it’s the understanding outweighing the personal struggle that proves successful. It proves it was worth it.
Everything after goodbye proves whether everything before it was worth it or not…
story of my life.
